30 years of payments

This has been a dismal month for posting. Not that I'm apologizing or anything. Finals are over. We bought a condo. Not just any condo: This one has a dishwasher, and not the kind that wears an apron and only works when music is playing. But then I upped the ante and replaced the gross, old dishwasher that came with the place and installed a nearly new, state-of-the-art one that didn't smell like cheese or feet. But not before I flooded the kitchen. Seriously, I did. But that's all in the past now. I'm a new man. A wiser man. A man who double-checks that the hot water valve is completely closed before disconnecting it from an old dishwasher.

This place is a huge upgrade over our 700-square-foot, 1940s-era apartment that we just left. This one is from the 1970s. Not only did it come with a dishwasher, but a disposal, fans in the bathrooms, grounded electrical outlets, central air, creaky stairs, and an HOA fee. Oh, and an oven that has a light in it. We never had that before.

Finally, they're dead

It has finally happened. Bratz dolls have been banned. The manufacturer, MGA, can't make them any more. Unfortunately, it wasn't because they're stupid, pointless, little [expletive deleted to retain mom-friendliness], but because the asshat who "invented" them (probably to live out some sick fantasy) actually came up with the idea while working for Mattel.



I'm about to make one of my generalized statements, but in this case, it's completely true: If you ever buy a Bratz doll for your kid then you are an idiot and you probably drive a Land Rover. Zing!

My new store

Today I decided that if I ever open a store, it will be catered to fashionistas, cougars, and people who think Madonna is an inspiration. I'm going to call the store "Ugly On The Inside".



It's going to be huge. There will be:


T-shirts


Wristbands


Hats

The whole irony of it will be that the idiots who will actually shop there won't get the joke. And I will be rich.

Redesign

I got tired of the plain old black background and title, so I changed them. What could be better than a new wood-floor background and a disgusting phrase for the new blog title? And it's gluten free! My sister-in-law should appreciate that.



Gluten is actually not the devil, Jessica. It's an important source of nutritional protein, and is also useful as an additive for foods low in protein. Now what do you think?



That's what I thought.

Halloween hair horror

So this year we decided to be trailer trash for Halloween...how original.


I was a hillbilly trucker.


Di had a baby and one on the way. Check out that boob tattoo.

So I grew out my beard, then shaved my chin and the sides of my face past my mustache to make chops. I was going to shave it all off the next day. I started, but only got through 90% of the chops when disaster struck...my electric razor broke. So now we had no functioning electric razors in the house. I scraped the remaining 10% of the chops off with a straight razor, but I was stuck with the mustache until I could buy a new razor...which didn't happen for a week.


What I looked like all week, minus the chops...and the mullet...and the cigarette.


Mmm, makes me want to go shoot something and eat it.

Cereal eating

I was eating a bowl of cereal today and remembered how cereal eating was completely different when I was a kid. Before the days of Malt-O-Meal in the big bags. Back when you could actually get a cool prize right in the box without having to collect 13 UPC codes and pay $49.99 in shipping and handling to send off for your prize. Back when eating cereal was an entire ritual. Here is that ritual (not recommended if you're over 10 years old):

(1) Fill your bowl to the top with cereal. If it's of the pre-sugared variety (Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Golden Grahams), skip to step 3. If it's a non-pre-sugared cereal (Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, Cheerios), continue to step 2.



(2) Pour at least 1/4-cup of sugar on the top of your cereal. It's a miracle I didn't develop type-2 diabetes from doing this.



(3) Assemble the Eating Fortress Of Solitude. Take three cereal boxes and assemble them around your head. This allows you to immerse yourself in cereal, and really get yourself in the zone. The cereal zone.



(4) Hork down your cereal like it's going to get soggy in less than 45 seconds.



(5) Repeat steps 1-4 at least four times or until severe cramping prevents you from being able to move.

(6) Go watch cartoons.

Note to parents: I assume no liability if your children experience any ill effects from following this ritual. Kids today just don't have the cereal stamina that kids had 20 years ago.

Bad pet owners

By that title I don't mean bad people who own pets. I mean people who own bad pets. And by people owning bad pets, I mean Reece and Jessica. I've already posted about their first cat. Now they have a second cat, named Adele / Pork 'N' Beans (still undecided on the name, I don't want to talk about it). She's an abandoned kitten we found during our last trip down to St. George. Here she is pretending to like me (but really just trying to find my jugular):



She seems like a kind, caring, loving cat, but if you're real quick then you can catch things like this:



Which is what happens right before this:



Which then leads to this:



All right, they're all real except for the last one (the fake dead guy). But under Jack's careful training, Adele / Pork 'N' Beans will soon be turned into the killer psycho hose beast that will be the end of me.

Jack the cat

I'm terrified of my brother's cat Jack. And I hate scary movies. So I guess that means my version of hell would be having to watch a scary movie starring Jack. While listening to a top-40 song. While being held down and tickled. So I decided to make the movie poster of my hell:

The new vacuum

I am now officially a true elitist. I thought I was before, but then I saw this sweet rig on Amazon.com for less than half price, and said, "She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine." You might be saying to yourself, "It's just a vacuum." Does your face hurt? Because I just punched you through cyberspace for saying that. This is an engineer's wet dream of a vacuum, the Dyson DC15 Full Kit. 220 air-watts of face-sucking power, a 12-amp carpet-shredding motor, and a 0.71-gallon canister of pure testosterone.



For the first time in my life, I'm actually excited to vacuum. And with a body like that, this vacuum's just dying to be used.



This thing could charm the fur off a dust bunny. Oh, what's this? Why is this old Hoover Legacy II so sad? Because it sucks. Or doesn't suck anymore.



Stay tuned for the celebrity vacuum death match.

Low post frequency

No, the title is not referring to highway mile markers. I'd like to apologize to all 2 of my readers for not posting more often. Actually, I won't apologize. I'm going to school and working full time, so I won't be posting as frequently. Get over it.

The state fair

To set the mood, please turn your speakers on and press the play button on the video below.



Ah, the state fair. The one time a year when you wonder where all the creeps and weirdos you're noticing around you came from.

I decided to have a little fun this year and created a scavenger hunt. Unfortunately, we left the list in the car, so we weren't able to do it. But within minutes I had mentally checked off all the items. I think I was able to check off 10 items from just one person. Now that's multitasking.

The scavenger hunt isn't limited to just state fairs. It's just as useful and fun at rodeos, Nascar races, professional wrestling matches, monster truck rallies, Insane Clown Posse concerts, and anywhere in Wyoming.

Click here for your very own personalized copy of the scavenger hunt.

Rogue commenter

Just a heads up, I'd like you all to ignore the rogue commenter by the name of Robocop. Robocop's spiteful and hurtful comments only work to bring down the uplifting, truthful words that this blog tries to spread to the masses. Through high-tech surveillance, an image of Robocop was obtained:



I know, I'm as surprised as you are. My own wife. But it makes sense. Only someone with such an intimate knowledge of the nerd within me could write such piercing words. And she's probably going to kill me for putting her picture up. Ah, sweet revenge.

School habits

Now that I've been sentenced to that horrible prison/zoo called college for four more months, it's time for the old habits to start back up. These include:


In-class dozing (also known as trying to keep my head propped up on my fist as I drool on my notes)


Procrastination (why do it now when you can do it later?)


Getting Disney songs stuck in my head. I'm not kidding. It always happens when I'm taking a test, and it's always something from The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, or Aladdin. And I really hate, no, detest Disney songs, which makes it that much worse. I imagine this is what happens to the parent who stays home with the kids and ends up watching the same movie 7 times in one day.

Favorite software

I've decided to stand on my soap box and declare to all of you the applications I think you should be using. The ones that come with Windows are crap. The apps I'm going to suggest are all free, easy to use, and better than the ones that come with Windows. And they're free. Pretty cheap. Click on the app name to download it.

For a huge list of the best software and hardware out there, go here.

7-Zip - Free compression utility, so you can extract any compressed archive.
Any Video Converter - Great for converting that video you downloaded off the internet that's in an AVI format to one that works on your iPod.
Audacity - An audio editor. I use this to make my own ringtones (and I'll make you a ringtone if you buy me a Slurpee).
AVG Anti-Virus - When your free year-long Norton or McAfee trials finally end, this is what you should use. The new version 8 has vastly improved over version 7. Use it or I'll send you a virus.
CCleaner - Cleans up garbage and temporary files that slow down your computer.
DoPDF - Pretends it's a printer, and when you "print" to it, it actually creates a PDF of the document.
DVD Shrink - For ripping DVDs to a file that can be converted for use on your iPod using Handbrake or Videora iPod Converter.
Firefox - The only browser that you should use. Better than Internet Explorer, Opera, and Safari. Internet Explorer is garbage. Stop using it. And don't try to deny that you use it. My site traffic software shows that many of you visit my site with it.
FoxIt Reader - A less-bloated, open-source PDF reader to replace Adobe Reader.
Hugin - For stitching together panoramic photos.
GIMP - Sort of a free, open-source Photoshop.
HandBrake - Converts DVD files spit out by DVD Shrink to files you can put on your iPod.
ImgBurn - Burns files and folders to DVD/CD.
MediaCoder - Convert any audio/video format to any other.
OpenOffice - A free office suite that is compatible with Microsoft Office.
Picasa - The absolute best photo organizer for your family photo collection, also has some good editing tools.
SketchUp - 3D design and drafting.
Taskbar Shuffle - Lets you shuffle around the open programs showing on your taskbar.
uTorrent - A lightweight BitTorrent client.
Virtual CloneDrive - Mount disc images as though they were real discs.
VLC Media Player - This will open absolutely any audio/video format.
Yawcam - Versatile webcam software that lets you do time lapse, motion sensing, and a lot more, because that's what people buy them for, right?

Back to school

School starts tomorrow. How depressing. But these videos are still funny. Alice Cooper is the man.

Health diagnosis

I'm afraid I have some bad news. I have been diagnosed with a syndrome called Paruresis. According to the International Paruresis Association, it's a condition that affects 7% of Americans, or 17 million people. Its severity can range from mild to severely debilitating, and apparently I am in the moderate stages of it.



It is quite likely that this disorder will affect me for the rest of my life, although there is a chance that its severity will decrease and disappear with time. I know you're asking yourself, "What can I do to help?" Here are a few suggestions:

(1) Don't talk loudly as you walk into public restrooms.
(2) Don't make sudden movements behind people who are using the urinals.
(3) Don't sit around and talk with others after washing your hands. Just finish your business and get out.
(4) Avoid grunting and heavy breathing while in the stalls.
(5) Make a donation to the International Paruresis Association.

In following these suggestions you will help others with this debilitating disorder.

Prick cars

Pricks and idiots drive cars, just like the rest of us. Some pricks and idiots drive normal, everyday cars. Some pricks and idiots drive prick cars. Some cars automatically make people pricks and idiots, and here's the list:


Land Rover / Range Rover
Anybody who's read a quality survey of new cars knows that Land Rovers and Range Rovers are consistently at the bottom of the list in quality. Like every year. Seriously. "Hey, I just took my Discovery into the dealer for the third time this week. I rule." No, you don't.


Cadillac Escalade
Not cool. Any GM product with that much fake wood and chrome is like a fly strip for poseurs.


Nissan Altima
You may think I've made a mistake, but just pay a little extra attention to these guys next time you see one. Something about this car makes people turn evil.


Mercedes-Benz S-Class
The only people that can drive this car and not look like pricks must be at least 67 years old.


Hummer H2
Seriously, the people who buy these things must know that people will key them for it.


Jeep Wrangler (with large rims)
I like Wranglers a lot, but they should make you sign something before you're allowed to buy it promising that you won't put on rims larger than 16 or 17 inches. The closest thing to off-roading that these Jeeps experience is driving through the slush that the snowplow left at the end of the driveway.


Chevrolet Corvette
$47,000 will buy you a much faster, better-quality, better-looking, and slower-depreciating car than this. The interiors of these things have more low-quality plastic than a Chinese army figurine factory. Plus the guys that usually drive these look like Rush Limbaugh.

I'm probably going to add to this list as the Car Gods so inspire me, so check back regularly.

Cat antics (cantics?)

Those who know me know that I'm a former cat hater. Besides the exhorbitant amount of shedding, answering of nature's call in odd places, gaping scratch wounds, and a big plastic box full of sand and poop in the middle of my house, cats are actually very entertaining. Here are a few documented cantics.

One of Stella's many hobbies is to sleep on my homework, especially if I'm in the middle of doing it.


Here they've removed all the plastic bags that I had neatly placed inside another bag, and made a nest out of them.


Yes, that is a spindle of DVDs that she is using as a pillow.


This picture is from the second day we had them. I was searching frantically for them so that I could get them to a vet appointment, and finally I noticed two sagging lumps in the bottom of our box spring. I stuck my head up through the hole they had made and this is what I found.


Our old Dell laptop had some overheating issues, which both cats took advantage of often.


We walked into the living room and found Harper sitting like this. Then in her best Joe Pesci voice she said, "What, do I @#$%ing amuse you?"


Somehow she got up there without knocking out any books. Yet she couldn't figure out how to get down.


We've caught them several times in compromising positions. "Uh, I was just, uh, looking for my wallet."


Typical fighting positions for both of them. Harper always ends up on the bottom. Kind of hard to end up on top when Stella is such a fat lard.


They are very particular about the Christmas tree, and they're always in it "redecorating". Very interesting to come home to.



We're still trying to figure out this one. They dragged the Christmas tree skirt from the tree in living room into the kitchen, then stomped it into their water bowl. That same tree skirt also made their undersides and paws turn pink.