Dec 17, 2010

Ferret people

What's the difference between a ferret and a rat?  Absolutely nothing.  They're rodents, they'll bite you, they poop everywhere, and they're both kept as pets by people living in trailer parks.  Excuse me, "mobile estates".  Come to think of it, there is a big difference between the two:  Ferrets are shaped like sausages, as you can see in Figure 1 below.

Figure 1
Did you notice something unusual in Figure 1?  You'd be correct if you noticed that these ferrets' owner actually has wood floors in his/her trailer...excuse home.

I once caught myself watching a PBS documentary about ferret people, where I learned the horrid, horrid ferret song.  Congratulations, that will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.  Use this song to get it out.

Ferrets are not better than dogs.  Ferrets are not better than cats.  Ferrets are slightly better than birds (sorry, Brett and Tara, but it's true).  According to one study, 99.9% of people would rather have an STD than a ferret.  The other 0.1% of people actually have both a ferret and an STD, which they contracted from their ferret.

Dec 6, 2010

Christmas creep

Seeing as it's December, we have been listening to quite a bit of Christmas music (upon Redd's insistence). Of course, no matter what station/mix you listen to, there are only so many Christmas songs in existence, so there are bound to be repeats. Lots of repeats. Just by different artists. One stands out in particular, not because of it's catchy tune or it's holiday cheer factor, but because it is just plain creepy. It doesn't matter if it's Dean Martin or Jessica Simpson...creepy. Here's an excerpt: 

Baby It's Cold Outside

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside
What's in this drink? Wha? It sounds like a play by play of a date rape if you ask me. I think I'll stick with Ava Maria.

Nov 10, 2010


If you know me (Di), you know I love me some zombies (and yes, I also love cats). Many a night, I have laid awake thinking of the impending zombie war, which leads to some freaky, freaky dreams. What supplies would I need? I actually know of someone who keeps a sickle hanging in their garage just to be prepared. We all know you have to destroy the zombie brain and what better instrument than a sickle? Should we invest in a apocalyptic survival vehicle or just board up the house and hope those suckers were of the slow, lurching Night of the Living Dead variety instead of freakishly strong I Am Legend breed (plus, they were CGI, which is just lame)? As Max Brooks put it, "The slow zombies are a wonderful metaphor for the anxiety of human mortality and fast zombies are gay."

Of course, the slow zombie makes more sense, they are dead after all and dead is definitely not a superpower, but the fast one just makes me want to poop my pants. I have to admit, 28 Days Later is my all-time favorite zombie movie (sorry zombie purists, I know they are technically infected with the rage virus, but I still consider it a zombie flick). Couldn't get it out of my head for months. Like sleep with my door bolted, a light on and the dog on my bed scared.

Speaking of animals, everyone knows zombies don't touch them. I mean, they still have some shred of morality behind all that gray decaying skin, don't they? Which is why I was so appalled to see all those zombies overtake that poor horse on AMC's The Walking Dead last week. I was also disturbed to see that it was filled with so many sausage links. I will be writing a letter.

Without further ado, I will give you my zombie recommendations for the zombie lover in you:
  • World War Z
  • Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
  • Shaun of the Dead
  • Dawn of the Dead (original)
  • 28 Days Later
  • Zombieland
  • Fido
  • Have you seen the original I Am Legend called The Omega Man? It features pale, poetic zombies who just so happen to wear sunglasses at night. Yeah, rent it. Now.

Oct 28, 2010

Her TV

She admitted something very odd to me:  One of these

to her is like one of these

to me.  Seriously.  We bought one at Costco a couple days ago.  Remote control, timer, eco-mode, automatic temperature control, automatic overheating sensor, side-to-side sweeping.  She was in heaven.  And I was only out $39.

Oct 10, 2010

House vs. compound

A thought occurred to me today, and now all I have are questions.  The question is:  Why do some houses get called compounds?

Do you need to have a lot of guns in a basement?
Does it have to have a fence?  Does the fence need to be a certain height?
Does the FBI have to surround your place before it can be an official compound?
Does something really horrible or illegal have to happen?
Does it have to be in Texas or Florida?
Does the oldest male occupant need to have a long beard?

So many questions.

Sep 17, 2010

Top ten songs

(10)  Bad- U2
(9)  Beside You - Van Morrison
(8)  Dramamine - Modest Mouse
(7)  Boots of Spanish Leather - Bob Dylan
(6)  Oh! Sweet Nuthin' - The Velvet Underground
(5)  Steam Engine - My Morning Jacket
(4)  #41 - Dave Mathews Band
(3)  Reckoner - Radiohead
(2)  Sleepwalk - Richie Valens
(1)  Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix

Hey dummies.  Take a peek.  Just to add a disclaimer: these are MY favorite songs and I'm not necessarily commenting on their musicality. Redd's list would look much, much different. Think Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and anything they play on KRCL...he'll kill me for that one!

Aug 16, 2010

Hipsters 101

Hello. It's Di again, and no, I'm not taking over this blog. I guess I just have so much to say and I must say it here to avoid starting my own blog and thus set the wheels in motion for the Apocalypse. Or maybe I just want you all to have something new to read since I am certain you have been just dying for a new post. I mean, come on Redd! (click the link, it's hilarious).

I have had a lot on my mind lately when it comes to the topic of Hipsters. As Redd and I were discussing them one day (yes, we have discussed Hipsters on more than one occasion), I came to the conclusion that Hipsters are just country-fied, more colorful and pretentious Emos, and I mean that lovingly. Case in point:

Emo boy (left), girl (right)
Hipster boy and girl

Emo with glasses

Hipster with glasses

There are some obvious similarities there right? Yes, Hipsters love to wear flannel, wool, straw hats, scarfs, boots and mustaches, but like their Emo ancestors, they also dress in remnants of the 80s/60s and have a flare for dramatic, yet dead-in-the-eyes poses. Then there's the wide rim black/white/pastel glasses...shudder.

So, there you have it. Next time you are at a Fall Out Boy concert (and I hope you never are), you will know that those kids around you are Emos. You will never be able to see true Hipsters at a concert because their favorite singers have a) been dead for 20 years or b) are so obscure that they don't actually exist.

Jun 20, 2010

Song of the week


I (Di) am a sucker for Motown and love love love this cover. I've been playing it all week because I'm one of those annoying people who listen to the same song on repeat over and over.

Jun 17, 2010

Guest post: Top 5

You may know me as Di, Trusty Wife or Robocop.  Today I thought I would thrill you all both with my top five annoyances because, let's face it, negativity is contagious.

(5)  Going green.  No, there is nothing wrong with recycling or biking to work.  I just hate the phrase and all the trendy people using it.  Like this girl.  By the way, what is the fascination with the Kardashians?  I hate myself for even knowing their names.   

(4)  The "we're pregnant" couple.  Seriously?  Do you share a uterus?  So cheesy.

(3)  Those little family window decals on the back of people's cars.  You know, the ones that say, we have four kids and a cat, here are all their names, please follow us home and kidnap them.  Even worse are the variances of these stickers including:  The Mickey Mouse ears family, the skull and crossbones family (complete with a little bow for the daughter), and the flip flop family.

(2)  Sunglasses indoors/at night.  Because the offenders usually look like these guys.  I'm doubly annoyed if the sunglasses are white or pastel colored.

(1)  The Smoke Monster.  WTF is it and why does it sound like the white roller coaster at Lagoon?  Yes, we are just now watching Lost.  I know, I know, we are about five years late to the game.

May 8, 2010

Mini backpacks

Remember these?

Yeah, from like 1995.  It's funny to see women wearing them now.  I figure there are only two reasons why a woman would still wear one: (1) She's a meth head, or (2) she's been hibernating since 1995 and only recently awoke.  I'm being serious.  I doubt you have ever seen a lady with a mini backpack on and thought in your head, "My, she looks like an outstanding citizen."  Wait, there is someone who would make such a statement:  A meth head wearing a mini backpack.

Apr 7, 2010

Dog toy?

Saw this the other day at Petsmart.  I don't know why it exists.

Mar 19, 2010

Baby clothes

Since we've had to start buying baby clothes for the boy, we've run across some interesting stuff crap at various stores.  Usually Target is regarded as having quality, non-weird stuff (looking at you Walmart), but on a recent trip this all changed.

What kind of bowlegged kid wears these?  They're like poorly sewn MC Hammer pants.  But here's the real treasure:

If your kid grows up expecting that his best friends are going to be a broccoli and a cookie, then you have failed at parenting and should probably be thrown in jail.  My question is how broccoli and cookie met.  Were they college roommates?  Buddies from summer camp?  Are they gay?  Have fun explaining to your kid why you made him wear a shirt with a gay vegetable and bakery item on it.

Feb 19, 2010

Local news, part 2

I've said before how much I hate local news, no matter where "local" is to you.  But local Utah news is something else.  It's the annoying little brother of local news, constantly trying to get everyone's attention with it's "look at me" stories.

Any national or world news that has even the tiniest, most insignificant detail relating to Utah instantly gets picked up by the local news channels, who then flaunt the story as though Utah invented it.  A national serial killer once used a 7-Eleven bathroom in Vernal.  Jim Morrison once shot up with a guy from Sandy.  I'm surprised that the local news didn't pick up on the whole Vancouver olympics ice-resurfacer fiasco, because guess where the heroic Zamboni machine's creator was born?

Feb 11, 2010


I love Costco.

Especially their pizza.  Oh, and their hot dogs, because you get a free drink with them.  But it does have it's drawbacks.  To name a few:

- Cart grazing:  There are carts everywhere in the parking lot.  At the Costco in Bountiful, where I go, the rich retards that frequent it are seriously so lazy that they can't walk an extra 20 feet to put their carts in the cart return, so they leave them everywhere.  Then other retards see random carts laying around and add their own carts, creating several large groups of carts that block parking spaces.

- The stop and chat:  Oh my gosh, what a surprise to see your neighbor in your local Costco!  You should go talk to them for at least an hour, and please make sure that you park your carts across the main, busiest aisle while you do it.

- Super sample Saturdays:  Nothing causes retards to congregate and graze faster than free, tiny food samples.  This also promotes the stop and chat phenomenon.

- Strolling pace:  At any other store, people move at a normal pace because they know what they want, they pick it up, buy it, and leave.  But next time you're at Costco, stop and observe (with your cart out of the way) how slow people walk.  They seriously stroll like they're on the freaking beach.

And here are some observations:

- For some reason, old people go crazy for those whole roasted chickens.

- All the bad things about Costco go away on Sunday, because all the Mormons are at church.  There's hardly anyone there, people that are there walk at a normal pace, and there aren't free food samples or a billion wayward carts clogging the aisles.

- When you do go on Sunday, you will see a few people still in their church clothes.  I at least change out of my church clothes before I break the sabbath.

Jan 29, 2010

My name will live on

The boy was born today and will get his own blog so that all the filth and unholiness of my personal blog doesn't taint him.  His blog is, and bonus points go to those who caught the Radiohead reference.

Jan 17, 2010

Welcome to the machine

I have been informed that I do certain things automatically. That's right, like a machine.

- If it's even slightly cold outside, I put my mouth into an "o" shape and exhale heavily so I can see my breath. Even if it's not cold enough to see my breath, I still do it.

- Whenever birthday candles are blown out, I swat at the smoke. Like every time. My brother pointed this out to me on his birthday. I realized it's because I have a huge fear of the smoke detector going off. I remember it happening when I was younger and the, screeching...of that damn detector would terrify me.  It seemed to always happen on Saturday mornings when someone was making toast.

- I fart whenever I walk out of buildings. Sometimes for minutes at a time.

- I talk in my sleep.  My trusty wife informs me every morning of what I said during the night.  Here are a few choice phrases and happenings from the last month:  (1)  "You can take off my pants whenever you want."  (2)  "Which direction are we facing?"  (3)  "I am so tired of the whining."  (4)  I briefly giggle several times.