Jul 31, 2008

U-Scan't

It was not an engineer who designed the horrid U-Scan machines that you see everywhere. It was a mentally challenged sloth who must have been dropped by its sloth mother a lot when it was young.


I really don't mind these machines if they're actually quick and the retarded sloth's cousin Billy Bob isn't manning the attendant's station. At the Smith's on 9th and 9th there's an attendant who talks (correction: bellows) at customers like they're 5-year-olds.

"Sir...sir...sir! What are you trying to do? No no NO! You can't put your credit card until you've scanned everything."
"Ma'am...ma'am...ma'am...hey! There is no bar code on the produce."

Then there's the machine that must be running Microsoft software, because it's running slower than a 90-year-old lady in an '88 Buick Century.

"Please scan your Fresh Values card."
Swipe card, wait five minutes.
"Welcome valued customer. Please scan your items, slide them across the yellow pad, then place them in the bag."
Scan items, wait five minutes between each item. Then wait for machine to say...
"Please remove the last item."
Remove the last item, wait five minutes for the sloth's cousin Billy Bob to wake up and clear it on his computer.

Di admitted to me that she'd never been embarrassed by my behavior until an incident at Harmon's when I started cussing at the U-Scan machine. I admit, I was out of control. But the @#%&ing machine had its head so far up its !$@%ing ass that it really needed to be degraded. And there is no shame in degrading a machine.

Jul 23, 2008

Disturbing dancing

My brother Reece drops it like it's hot at the John Mayer concert.

video

Jul 22, 2008

Kidz Bop

I don't think I'm alone when I say that "Kidz Bop" is the most horrible invention since Barney the dinosaur. For those of you who haven't had the misfortune of hearing it, it's all that top 40 crap (which I hate anyway) sung by little overachievers. Think "Bleeding Love" sung by Dakota Fanning. And I know I'm not the only one. On Amazon you can add tags to items to sort of lump things in rough categories. This is an actual screenshot of the Kidz Bop 13 page on Amazon:


I wouldn't even buy this garbage for my
illegitimate child.

Jul 19, 2008

Freaky baby products

Found this article on consumerist.com about creepy baby products, I just want to highlight my favorites. And yes, I would buy any of these products for my baby.


Zaky infant pillow
Looks like a Muppet was de-limbed to make it.


Swimming neck ring
Previously called "My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer"


Thudgard helmet
Ears make it more appealing to kids (?).


Manual snot sucker
Just make sure you stop when it gets clogged or you'll be sharing more than DNA.


Baby high heels
Redefines the term "cankles"

Jul 14, 2008

The Spiral Jetty

This post isn't really about the jetty, except for some pictures. If you want learn more about it, click here. If you don't want to read this post, click here. Anyways, so we decide to go on an adventure last Saturday at noon, and we decide the Spiral Jetty in Box Elder county will be our first victim.



So as you can see, to get to this place you have to drive all the way around the peninsula. I pondered if there were a way to drive on the railroad causeway that goes from basically Ogden to the big peninsula, then up that to the jetty. However, I decided against it because (A) I'd probably get hit by a train, (B) the water would be too high to drive on the side of the tracks, (C) I'd get caught (knowing my luck), and (D) Di told me not to. So I didn't. Even though it would be way quicker, as you can see by the detailed map below.


So by the time we get to Brigham City, we're freaking starving. Starving enough that we'll stop at the first place that isn't a 7-Eleven. So we drive, and drive, and drive, and finally we find.....Pizza Hut. Not just any Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut of Brigham City. So popular and famous that I couldn't even find a picture of it. And we are the only ones there besides the employees for at least half an hour. Then these people show up and take 20 minutes just to order, because they keep inquiring about how many glasses a pitcher can hold. Then the waitress chick forgets that we were even there, so I go up front to pay. I hope she doesn't spend her 26¢ tip in one place.

Turns out this place is a few miles south of the Golden Spike Visitor's Center, itself a suburb of Corinne, which is a suburb of Brigham City. A rocky road and a few paint chips later, we arrive. I read somewhere that there was an old trailer home, amphibious landing craft, and Dodge truck left there, but evidently in 2005 the state cleaned them up, but a guy had some pictures of them on his Flickr page.