I will do just about anything to avoid going to Walmart. I hate everything about it. The employees, the people who shop there, the merchandise, and most of all, the low prices. Walmart is the poster child of American arrogance and ignorance. Screw the environment and open green space, as long as we can park our prick cars in their huge, hot parking lot, shop, then eat at the McDonald's inside, then take our fat kids to the integrated arcade, then we're happy.
Yesterday I had no choice but to go inside hell's armpit to see if they had something that no other store in the area had. Luckily, I didn't find it, which made the trip short. But then I realized why I hate Walmart so badly: Seeing the people in Walmart is like seeing yourself at your worst, and that scares the non-retarded portion of the human race. You see what you would look like if you started smoking, stopped washing your hair, parked on your lawn, didn't spay/neuter your animals, and had 6 kids with 6 different people.Moral of the story: If you think you've hit rock bottom, go to Walmart and you'll see that you haven't.
The picture below sort of looks like a funky hair stuck in a scoop of ice cream, but it's not.
I put on my business socks and business time quickly occurred, and thus my trusty spouse is now acting as host to a 3-month-old parasite that I've named Clarence Anne. Supposedly in 6 months or so the parasite will come out looking like a human. According to the internet, the kid will look like this.
This morning I woke up to find that a meteorite had landed on my balcony and made a small but noticeable crater.
The weirdest thing is that this is the exact spot where I made dutch oven apple cobbler just the night before. I know, weird. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Something like, "Hey idiot, a cheap plastic balcony will melt even if you have three layers of tin foil between it and red-hot coals." Or maybe it's just a big coincidence. I'm going with the latter.
Few things annoy me more than local news stations. I'm not being specific about any particular location, I mean all local news, no matter where it is. Local news is like the Geek Squad of journalism: They think they're cool but everyone else thinks they're just a herd of dorks.
The local news equivalent of the Geek Squad VW Beetle is the news helicopter. But it's not just any damn helicopter, it's a special one, which is why they call it a chopper. Local news crews salivate all over themselves about how cool their helicopter (excuse me, chopper) is, and then they get so eager to use the stupid thing that they send it out to film things like car accidents and cops standing around crime scenes. A very efficient use of expensive fuel.
Then there's the reporters, who consider themselves God's gift to the world. In the real world, these people are called puppets. In the UK, these so-called "reporters" are given a much more accurate title: "News readers". Whenever people see a news reader outside of their television boxes, they spit all over themselves. Note to all retards: These people are not celebrities. They're highly trained monkeys who can look into a camera while reading a teleprompter, all while making a ridiculous amount of money for doing nothing. I just realized that all this spells a guaranteed recipe for success: Look into a camera while reading + refer to a helicopter as a chopper + be an egomaniac = $$$.The bigoted idiots who get in fights on the internet message boards of local news stations also need to go. If you ever post on those things then you need to get a life. I imagine it's the same group of 55-year-old men who are responsible for forwarding the world's supply of e-mails of Photoshopped pictures of Air Force jets shooting at Arabs.
