May 15, 2009

Local news

Few things annoy me more than local news stations. I'm not being specific about any particular location, I mean all local news, no matter where it is. Local news is like the Geek Squad of journalism: They think they're cool but everyone else thinks they're just a herd of dorks.

The local news equivalent of the Geek Squad VW Beetle is the news helicopter. But it's not just any damn helicopter, it's a special one, which is why they call it a chopper. Local news crews salivate all over themselves about how cool their helicopter (excuse me, chopper) is, and then they get so eager to use the stupid thing that they send it out to film things like car accidents and cops standing around crime scenes. A very efficient use of expensive fuel.

Then there's the reporters, who consider themselves God's gift to the world. In the real world, these people are called puppets. In the UK, these so-called "reporters" are given a much more accurate title: "News readers". Whenever people see a news reader outside of their television boxes, they spit all over themselves. Note to all retards: These people are not celebrities. They're highly trained monkeys who can look into a camera while reading a teleprompter, all while making a ridiculous amount of money for doing nothing. I just realized that all this spells a guaranteed recipe for success: Look into a camera while reading + refer to a helicopter as a chopper + be an egomaniac = $$$.

The bigoted idiots who get in fights on the internet message boards of local news stations also need to go. If you ever post on those things then you need to get a life. I imagine it's the same group of 55-year-old men who are responsible for forwarding the world's supply of e-mails of Photoshopped pictures of Air Force jets shooting at Arabs.