Word Vomit...

Cat vomit

2011-04-24T21:08:00.000-06:00

Stella, after a hard night of partying.

In the spirit of love...

2011-02-11T12:04:00.008-07:00

Top 5 FAVORITE things (sorta)...

5) Reading design and DIY blogs, getting inspired, never actually doing it myself and then feeling really lazy and lame because, oh yeah, I don't know how to sew or use tools and would rather ___ instead. After that, I mostly resent Redd for not doing it for me.

4) You know when there is a commercial that you dislike so much that you can't help but watch it every single time it comes on? During Christmas, mine was this one.

3) Watching funny dog and cat videos on YouTube. Yep, I'm one of those people. Seriously can a talking dog ever get old? Uh I dunno, maybe if you find a video that features a ninja cat. The only problem? When some clown feels the need to take an otherwise hilarious animal video and play Smash Mouth or Barenaked Ladies in the background and then follow with two minutes of credits.

2) When Redd finds a new song or video and says "Listen to this, it's beautiful and you will love it" and then I do. Like this and this (just pretend that last one isn't on the Twilight soundtrack). Although, he did fail with this one.

1) My sweet baby sleeping in until 9 or 10 am for the past week or so. Try as I might, I can't be cynical about that one. Does this make me a Mommy Blogger?

Ferret people

2010-12-17T23:57:00.001-07:00

What's the difference between a ferret and a rat? Absolutely nothing. They're rodents, they'll bite you, they poop everywhere, and they're both kept as pets by people living in trailer parks. Excuse me, "mobile estates". Come to think of it, there is a big difference between the two: Ferrets are shaped like sausages, as you can see in Figure 1 below.

Figure 1

Did you notice something unusual in Figure 1? You'd be correct if you noticed that these ferrets' owner actually has wood floors in his/her trailer...excuse me...mobile home.

I once caught myself watching a PBS documentary about ferret people, where I learned the horrid, horrid ferret song. Congratulations, that will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day. Use this song to get it out.

Ferrets are not better than dogs. Ferrets are not better than cats. Ferrets are slightly better than birds (sorry, Brett and Tara, but it's true). According to one study, 99.9% of people would rather have an STD than a ferret. The other 0.1% of people actually have both a ferret and an STD, which they contracted from their ferret.

Christmas creep

2010-12-06T21:25:00.002-07:00

Seeing as it's December, we have been listening to quite a bit of Christmas music (upon Redd's insistence). Of course, no matter what station/mix you listen to, there are only so many Christmas songs in existence, so there are bound to be repeats. Lots of repeats. Just by different artists. One stands out in particular, not because of it's catchy tune or it's holiday cheer factor, but because it is just plain creepy. It doesn't matter if it's Dean Martin or Jessica Simpson...creepy. Here's an excerpt:

Baby It's Cold Outside

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

What's in this drink? Wha? It sounds like a play by play of a date rape if you ask me. I think I'll stick with Ava Maria.

Zombies

2010-11-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

If you know me (Di), you know I love me some zombies (and yes, I also love cats). Many a night, I have laid awake thinking of the impending zombie war, which leads to some freaky, freaky dreams. What supplies would I need? I actually know of someone who keeps a sickle hanging in their garage just to be prepared. We all know you have to destroy the zombie brain and what better instrument than a sickle? Should we invest in a apocalyptic survival vehicle or just board up the house and hope those suckers were of the slow, lurching Night of the Living Dead variety instead of freakishly strong I Am Legend breed (plus, they were CGI, which is just lame)? As Max Brooks put it, "The slow zombies are a wonderful metaphor for the anxiety of human mortality and fast zombies are gay."

Of course, the slow zombie makes more sense, they are dead after all and dead is definitely not a superpower, but the fast one just makes me want to poop my pants. I have to admit, 28 Days Later is my all-time favorite zombie movie (sorry zombie purists, I know they are technically infected with the rage virus, but I still consider it a zombie flick). Couldn't get it out of my head for months. Like sleep with my door bolted, a light on and the dog on my bed scared.

Speaking of animals, everyone knows zombies don't touch them. I mean, they still have some shred of morality behind all that gray decaying skin, don't they? Which is why I was so appalled to see all those zombies overtake that poor horse on AMC's The Walking Dead last week. I was also disturbed to see that it was filled with so many sausage links. I will be writing a letter.

Without further ado, I will give you my zombie recommendations for the zombie lover in you:

World War Z
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Shaun of the Dead
Dawn of the Dead (original)
28 Days Later
Zombieland
Fido
Have you seen the original I Am Legend called The Omega Man? It features pale, poetic zombies who just so happen to wear sunglasses at night. Yeah, rent it. Now.

Her TV

2010-10-28T22:58:00.001-06:00

She admitted something very odd to me: One of these

to her is like one of these

to me. Seriously. We bought one at Costco a couple days ago. Remote control, timer, eco-mode, automatic temperature control, automatic overheating sensor, side-to-side sweeping. She was in heaven. And I was only out $39.

House vs. compound

2010-10-10T22:14:00.000-06:00

A thought occurred to me today, and now all I have are questions. The question is: Why do some houses get called compounds?

Do you need to have a lot of guns in a basement?

Does it have to have a fence? Does the fence need to be a certain height?

Does the FBI have to surround your place before it can be an official compound?

Does something really horrible or illegal have to happen?

Does it have to be in Texas or Florida?

Does the oldest male occupant need to have a long beard?

So many questions.

Top ten songs

2010-09-17T13:26:00.001-06:00

(10) Bad- U2
(9) Beside You - Van Morrison
(8) Dramamine - Modest Mouse
(7) Boots of Spanish Leather - Bob Dylan
(6) Oh! Sweet Nuthin' - The Velvet Underground
(5) Steam Engine - My Morning Jacket
(4) #41 - Dave Mathews Band
(3) Reckoner - Radiohead
(2) Sleepwalk - Richie Valens
(1) Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix

Hey dummies. Take a peek. Just to add a disclaimer: these are MY favorite songs and I'm not necessarily commenting on their musicality. Redd's list would look much, much different. Think Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and anything they play on KRCL...he'll kill me for that one!

Hipsters 101

2010-08-16T14:39:00.007-06:00

Hello. It's Di again, and no, I'm not taking over this blog. I guess I just have so much to say and I must say it here to avoid starting my own blog and thus set the wheels in motion for the Apocalypse. Or maybe I just want you all to have something new to read since I am certain you have been just dying for a new post. I mean, come on Redd! (click the link, it's hilarious).

I have had a lot on my mind lately when it comes to the topic of Hipsters. As Redd and I were discussing them one day (yes, we have discussed Hipsters on more than one occasion), I came to the conclusion that Hipsters are just country-fied, more colorful and pretentious Emos, and I mean that lovingly. Case in point:

Emo boy (left), girl (right)


Hipster boy and girl

Emo with glasses

Hipster with glasses

There are some obvious similarities there right? Yes, Hipsters love to wear flannel, wool, straw hats, scarfs, boots and mustaches, but like their Emo ancestors, they also dress in remnants of the 80s/60s and have a flare for dramatic, yet dead-in-the-eyes poses. Then there's the wide rim black/white/pastel glasses...shudder.

So, there you have it. Next time you are at a Fall Out Boy concert (and I hope you never are), you will know that those kids around you are Emos. You will never be able to see true Hipsters at a concert because their favorite singers have a) been dead for 20 years or b) are so obscure that they don't actually exist.

Song of the week

2010-06-20T23:44:00.000-06:00

I (Di) am a sucker for Motown and love love love this cover. I've been playing it all week because I'm one of those annoying people who listen to the same song on repeat over and over.

Guest post: Top 5

2010-06-17T19:16:00.005-06:00

You may know me as Di, Trusty Wife or Robocop. Today I thought I would thrill you ~~all~~ both with my top five annoyances because, let's face it, negativity is contagious.

(5) Going green. No, there is nothing wrong with recycling or biking to work. I just hate the phrase and all the trendy people using it. Like this girl. By the way, what is the fascination with the Kardashians? I hate myself for even knowing their names.

(4) The "we're pregnant" couple. Seriously? Do you share a uterus? So cheesy.

(3) Those little family window decals on the back of people's cars. You know, the ones that say, we have four kids and a cat, here are all their names, please follow us home and kidnap them. Even worse are the variances of these stickers including: The Mickey Mouse ears family, the skull and crossbones family (complete with a little bow for the daughter), and the flip flop family.

(2) Sunglasses indoors/at night. Because the offenders usually look like these guys. I'm doubly annoyed if the sunglasses are white or pastel colored.

(1) The Smoke Monster. WTF is it and why does it sound like the white roller coaster at Lagoon? Yes, we are just now watching Lost. I know, I know, we are about five years late to the game.

Mini backpacks

2010-05-08T18:30:00.001-06:00

Remember these?

Yeah, from like 1995. It's funny to see women wearing them now. I figure there are only two reasons why a woman would still wear one: (1) She's a meth head, or (2) she's been hibernating since 1995 and only recently awoke. I'm being serious. I doubt you have ever seen a lady with a mini backpack on and thought in your head, "My, she looks like an outstanding citizen." Wait, there is someone who would make such a statement: A meth head wearing a mini backpack.

Dog toy?

2010-04-07T23:09:00.000-06:00

Saw this the other day at Petsmart. I don't know why it exists.

Baby clothes

2010-03-19T20:07:00.004-06:00

Since we've had to start buying baby clothes for the boy, we've run across some interesting ~~stuff~~ crap at various stores. Usually Target is regarded as having quality, non-weird stuff (looking at you Walmart), but on a recent trip this all changed.

What kind of bowlegged kid wears these? They're like poorly sewn MC Hammer pants. But here's the real treasure:

If your kid grows up expecting that his best friends are going to be a broccoli and a cookie, then you have failed at parenting and should probably be thrown in jail. My question is how broccoli and cookie met. Were they college roommates? Buddies from summer camp? Are they gay? Have fun explaining to your kid why you made him wear a shirt with a gay vegetable and bakery item on it.

Local news, part 2

2010-02-19T12:54:00.003-07:00

I've said before how much I hate local news, no matter where "local" is to you. But local Utah news is something else. It's the annoying little brother of local news, constantly trying to get everyone's attention with it's "look at me" stories.

Any national or world news that has even the tiniest, most insignificant detail relating to Utah instantly gets picked up by the local news channels, who then flaunt the story as though Utah invented it. A national serial killer once used a 7-Eleven bathroom in Vernal. Jim Morrison once shot up with a guy from Sandy. I'm surprised that the local news didn't pick up on the whole Vancouver olympics ice-resurfacer fiasco, because guess where the heroic Zamboni machine's creator was born?

Costcoland

2010-02-11T22:25:00.001-07:00

I love Costco.

Especially their pizza. Oh, and their hot dogs, because you get a free drink with them. But it does have it's drawbacks. To name a few:

- Cart grazing: There are carts everywhere in the parking lot. At the Costco in Bountiful, where I go, the rich retards that frequent it are seriously so lazy that they can't walk an extra 20 feet to put their carts in the cart return, so they leave them everywhere. Then other retards see random carts laying around and add their own carts, creating several large groups of carts that block parking spaces.

- The stop and chat: Oh my gosh, what a surprise to see your neighbor in your local Costco! You should go talk to them for at least an hour, and please make sure that you park your carts across the main, busiest aisle while you do it.

- Super sample Saturdays: Nothing causes retards to congregate and graze faster than free, tiny food samples. This also promotes the stop and chat phenomenon.

- Strolling pace: At any other store, people move at a normal pace because they know what they want, they pick it up, buy it, and leave. But next time you're at Costco, stop and observe (with your cart out of the way) how slow people walk. They seriously stroll like they're on the freaking beach.

And here are some observations:

- For some reason, old people go crazy for those whole roasted chickens.

- All the bad things about Costco go away on Sunday, because all the Mormons are at church. There's hardly anyone there, people that are there walk at a normal pace, and there aren't free food samples or a billion wayward carts clogging the aisles.

- When you do go on Sunday, you will see a few people still in their church clothes. I at least change out of my church clothes before I break the sabbath.

My name will live on

2010-01-29T10:41:00.001-07:00

The boy was born today and will get his own blog so that all the filth and unholiness of my personal blog doesn't taint him. His blog is ivinskida.blogspot.com, and bonus points go to those who caught the Radiohead reference.

Welcome to the machine

2010-01-17T22:46:00.003-07:00

I have been informed that I do certain things automatically. That's right, like a machine.

- If it's even slightly cold outside, I put my mouth into an "o" shape and exhale heavily so I can see my breath. Even if it's not cold enough to see my breath, I still do it.

- Whenever birthday candles are blown out, I swat at the smoke. Like every time. My brother pointed this out to me on his birthday. I realized it's because I have a huge fear of the smoke detector going off. I remember it happening when I was younger and the beeping...no, screeching...of that damn detector would terrify me. It seemed to always happen on Saturday mornings when someone was making toast.

- I fart whenever I walk out of buildings. Sometimes for minutes at a time.

- I talk in my sleep. My trusty wife informs me every morning of what I said during the night. Here are a few choice phrases and happenings from the last month: (1) "You can take off my pants whenever you want." (2) "Which direction are we facing?" (3) "I am so tired of the whining." (4) I briefly giggle several times.

Pants on fire

2009-12-10T14:45:00.003-07:00

Di and I got in the car to drive to work today. This conversation occurred as we were merging onto the freeway.

Me: It tastes like burning in here. Hopefully it's not us.
Di: I can't smell anything.
Me: Man, my butt is stinging like crazy. Jeez, why does my butt sting?
Di: Stop! The car's smoking!

But the smoke wasn't coming from the hood. It was coming from my burning ass. My seat heater malfunctioned and burned a 1-inch hole through my seat cushion and starting burning through my pants. Yes, my new pants. That explains why my butt was stinging.

Another pants store

2009-11-14T20:44:00.003-07:00

My trusty dog jumped up on me the other day and ripped my trusty pants, so I needed to get some new pants. So I went to the pants store. Trusty wife had a coupon good for 30% off everything, even clearance stuff. So I got two pairs of pants. Yes, I know what you're thinking: Who needs two pairs of pants? But that's another story for another day.

So anyway, I was pretty happy because I estimate I saved at least $30, and it only took me ten minutes in the store. I went back to my car and found that I'd received a parking ticket - for $30.

Baby animals

2009-11-08T21:16:00.006-07:00

With my spawn moving closer and closer to fruition, trusty wife and I have been shopping for all the requisite support items needed to sustain the little squirt. One thing I've noticed is that everything baby related has to have some "cute" phrase on it, like the following:

Even though the statement is absolutely true in my case (Di never makes me eat my veggies when I pull that face), the little veggies are a little ridiculous. Ditto to all the little baby animals on baby clothes. What would happen if everyone in the world over the age of 2 just suddenly disappeared? I'll tell you exactly what would happen: The kids would all get stomped by elephants, eaten by crocodiles, and mauled by lions, because by buying them all these cutesy animal-laden clothes, we have inevitably set them up for disaster, making them think that all animals are cuddly, friendly creatures that have opposable thumbs and play with beach balls and eat with utensils. What a mess. So I think a new line of clothes should be launched, and I'll call it "Don't Touch The Freakin' Animals". Instead of a shirt depicting a squirrel playing tennis with a gorilla, it will be of this:

It's about time you little kids knew the truth: Animals aren't your friends. Even the family dog is terrified of you.

The pants store

2009-10-17T16:52:00.005-06:00

The trusty wife needed some maternity pants, so we went shopping. We ended up at this place called "A Parasite In Your Pod", and no joke, they are crazy. In the time it took to buy a pair of stretchy pants:

- A worker asked at least 5 times if we needed any help.
- I was given a brochure about a college savings plan for the kid. I found this particularly offensive as I have yet to complete college myself.
- I was offered subscriptions to two parenting magazines. I also take offense to this. Do they offer people without excessive facial hair only one magazine, or even no magazine at all? Did I really look like I could use two?
- I was grilled for my personal information to get on their "mailing list".
- My receipt was assaulted by a highlighter to show me that if I give up even more of my privacy, I could win $1,000. Like I would ever want to go back.

Moral of the story: Don't buy pants.

Out of the Matrix

2009-10-15T21:46:00.004-06:00

I'm unplugged.

I took the blue pill. Or the red pill. Hell, whichever one got Keanu Reeves out of the Matrix. I deleted my Facebook account. Finally. I've always hated it. Hated my "friends", their stupid status updates, all the notifications about everybody taking those damn quizzes, and seeing how much time everyone wasted playing Mafia Wars. And as I type this I just realized that I spilled super glue all over my desk after gluing acorns together. And it won't come off. Stupid acorns. Stupid super glue.

White trash radar

2009-10-05T20:45:00.011-06:00

Someone should investigate the phenomenon known as "white trash radar". You probably haven't heard of it but will know exactly what I'm talking about when you hear it. Here's the setup:

You have a trashy neighbor to the north, a whole apartment complex full of them to your east, and then some more a block or two south who insist on spinning the tires on their redneck Dodge every time it rains. Remember, this is purely hypothetical and not from any personal experience. You think they're just living their trashy lives, shopping/sleeping at Walmart, hollering in the middle of the night, and yelling at their poorly trained pit bulls, but then you see them walking between each other's houses, going to Walmart together, and sharing food stamps. Could there be a white-trash version of gaydar? Would it be called dumbdar? Retardar? Cheapbeerdar?

Cat horking

2009-09-16T23:41:00.009-06:00

I woke up at 5:30 this morning to this sound:

My cat Stella was sitting on the side table next to me, horking all over. In case you haven't heard a cat throw up, it sounds like a toilet plunger working on a really bad clog, followed by the toilet erupting its contents all over the floor. My cats do it all the time after they've eaten our plants, only this time the barf didn't land on the carpet. It landed on the dog, who was sound asleep next to the side table. I think it traumatized her. When she heard the barfing sound coming from the above YouTube video she went and hid.

State fair reminder

2009-09-11T12:38:00.004-06:00

That state fair thing is happening again this year. Don't forget to print off your improved scavenger hunt list.

Biggest nerd alert ever

2009-09-06T14:00:00.009-06:00

We were leaving the Parley's Gulch dog park after walking the cats when we saw some children dressed up as knights. Then we saw their parents:

Probably 50 of them. In full makeup. Carrying shields and swords. Some wearing tights. One guy was dressed like a cat (medieval cat?). Then one guy said "To whom do we speak about the horses for the battle?" No joke. I was disappointed that they didn't have any horses. Based on what their shields and swords were made of, I can only assume that if they did have horses, they'd be foam too.

My blog is bigger

2009-09-03T22:53:00.005-06:00

Some people blog about something interesting. I blog about things I hate. Other people blog about nothing. You could call them "Seinfeld blogs". And by nothing I mean the only reason they even have a blog is to make it seem like their lives aren't as boring as they really are. But I see right through you, faker.

These blogs have turned into a huge pissing contest as to who takes their kids to more places, who goes on more vacations, or who loves being a mom the most. Now they're really grasping at straws. Out of ideas? Oh wait, your kid just wet the bed - you can get a whole week of posts out of that.

The competition gets more heated with people trying to make more posts than anyone else. And then it gets really hilarious when these people realize that they've practically written a stalker's guide book for their own family. So then they make their blog private, only to make it public again when they realize that they have just forfeited the pissing contest.

Leveling the playing field

2009-09-02T14:59:00.005-06:00

While getting educated today, I noticed this on a bulletin board:

Obviously some anglo sans accent is looking to level the mating playing field by taking away foreigners' secret weapon. I think there is a better way to make it a little more fair:

It's like I always say: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to speak with an Italian accent, he'll be chasing tail for a lifetime.

The truth about Walmart

2009-08-01T11:11:00.005-06:00

I will do just about anything to avoid going to Walmart. I hate everything about it. The employees, the people who shop there, the merchandise, and most of all, the low prices. Walmart is the poster child of American arrogance and ignorance. Screw the environment and open green space, as long as we can park our prick cars in their huge, hot parking lot, shop, then eat at the McDonald's inside, then take our fat kids to the integrated arcade, then we're happy.

Yesterday I had no choice but to go inside hell's armpit to see if they had something that no other store in the area had. Luckily, I didn't find it, which made the trip short. But then I realized why I hate Walmart so badly: Seeing the people in Walmart is like seeing yourself at your worst, and that scares the non-retarded portion of the human race. You see what you would look like if you started smoking, stopped washing your hair, parked on your lawn, didn't spay/neuter your animals, and had 6 kids with 6 different people.

Moral of the story: If you think you've hit rock bottom, go to Walmart and you'll see that you haven't.

Business time

2009-07-16T20:31:00.006-06:00

The picture below sort of looks like a funky hair stuck in a scoop of ice cream, but it's not.

I put on my business socks and business time quickly occurred, and thus my trusty spouse is now acting as host to a 3-month-old parasite that I've named Clarence Anne. Supposedly in 6 months or so the parasite will come out looking like a human. According to the internet, the kid will look like this.

Lonely dog

2009-07-05T19:45:00.006-06:00

This is a dog:

This is what a lonely dog does when you're at work:

And this is a dog acting sheepish when she realizes she's in trouble:

Any questions?

Oh noes

2009-06-28T20:46:00.010-06:00

This morning I woke up to find that a meteorite had landed on my balcony and made a small but noticeable crater.

The weirdest thing is that this is the exact spot where I made dutch oven apple cobbler just the night before. I know, weird. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Something like, "Hey idiot, a cheap plastic balcony will melt even if you have three layers of tin foil between it and red-hot coals." Or maybe it's just a big coincidence. I'm going with the latter.

Local news

2009-05-15T23:25:00.011-06:00

Few things annoy me more than local news stations. I'm not being specific about any particular location, I mean all local news, no matter where it is. Local news is like the Geek Squad of journalism: They think they're cool but everyone else thinks they're just a herd of dorks.

The local news equivalent of the Geek Squad VW Beetle is the news helicopter. But it's not just any damn helicopter, it's a special one, which is why they call it a chopper. Local news crews salivate all over themselves about how cool their helicopter (excuse me, chopper) is, and then they get so eager to use the stupid thing that they send it out to film things like car accidents and cops standing around crime scenes. A very efficient use of expensive fuel.

Then there's the reporters, who consider themselves God's gift to the world. In the real world, these people are called puppets. In the UK, these so-called "reporters" are given a much more accurate title: "News readers". Whenever people see a news reader outside of their television boxes, they spit all over themselves. Note to all retards: These people are not celebrities. They're highly trained monkeys who can look into a camera while reading a teleprompter, all while making a ridiculous amount of money for doing nothing. I just realized that all this spells a guaranteed recipe for success: Look into a camera while reading + refer to a helicopter as a chopper + be an egomaniac = $$$.

The bigoted idiots who get in fights on the internet message boards of local news stations also need to go. If you ever post on those things then you need to get a life. I imagine it's the same group of 55-year-old men who are responsible for forwarding the world's supply of e-mails of Photoshopped pictures of Air Force jets shooting at Arabs.

Nobody cares

2009-04-12T02:18:00.013-06:00

This Facebook and Twitter thing has gotten out of hand. I'm considering dropping half of my "friends" from Facebook because I'm so sick about every petty stupid detail about their lives. Seriously, people, are you so lame and pathetic that you have to update your Facebook status to let everybody know that you're making dinner? How about you just make the freaking dinner? And if you really are that pathetic, then you're probably making a dinner that is just as pathetic, like mac and cheese or Hot Pockets or something.

Nobody cares:
- how many hours you worked this week.
- that you baked pie this afternoon.
- that you think something is "yummy" (a word that should be banished from the English language).
- that you're a great humanitarian and donated blood and a kidney today.
- that your baby won't go to sleep. Maybe the kid won't go to sleep because it keeps hearing the clatter of your computer keys as you update your status to say that your kid won't go to sleep.

And another thing: The open-ended status updates that you people come up with to beckon a response from all your friends. Example: "John Doe is feeling sad." Oh, too bad. Maybe you should get a job and not spend all your time on social networks. I already dropped one dude as a friend because he changed his name on Facebook every day to some stupid anagram of his own name. If he had put half as much effort into something useful then he'd probably be a very rich man.

Freaky Teletubby

2009-03-31T20:15:00.005-06:00

Add this to my creepy baby products list. It's called the Peekaru, and something is wrong with you if you buy it.

I guarantee your kid will not be smiling or feel like it's popping out of your womb again. This looks more like a Teletubbies' freak hermaphrodite siamese sibling that was locked in a closet its whole life.

Big brother

2009-03-30T21:23:00.007-06:00

I'd have to say that the dog is a pretty well-behaved little beast while we're gone, but I still like to keep an eye on her, so I have a webcam running while we're at work that I can check periodically. Or at least I did.

Apparently, she doesn't like being watched, so she took care of the "problem":

You'll notice that she didn't even touch the camera itself, just the cord, in three different places. She could have chewed it apart at just one spot, but she did it in three, just to spite me.

Elliot (no, not the dragon)

2009-03-13T23:59:00.010-06:00

In an abrupt reversal in tone from my usual posts, I will speak of something positive today. We finally got a dog. The cats have been asking for one for at least a year, so we finally got them one, but it's not quite what they expected.

Her name is Elliot (Elli for short). She's an American Eskimo and Australian Shepherd mix, which I guess makes her an Australian Eskimo or American Shepherd, or maybe just a mutt. We took off work and drove up to Idaho (queue the banjo music) to get her. She's three months old and...uh...she's pretty big. This is the size of her paw:

According to my nerdy calculations (narf), she'll be as big as this by the time she's two:

As is typical for anything I do, a mess was created. She (the dog, not Di) barfed three times on the way home. My car smells like a farm, because her puke smells like cow pies. No joke. She was pretty filthy when we got her. This is what our tub looked like after her first bath:

Wait, that might have been after I took a bath. She refuses to use her legs for walking, so I have to carry her around slung over my shoulder. Lazy dog. I'm trying to learn how to say "I'm not buying you a wheelchair" in Dogish.

Magic gloves

2009-03-05T21:16:00.007-07:00

I was thinking about doing a Radio From Hell-style "list of things that must go", but then I realized nearly every post I do could be considered an item on that list. So I won't do one. Just read all my posts (please).

Whatever. Anyway, that's not what this post is about. So as you know (or don't know, I don't care), we've been doing a lot of renovating on our new old condo, so we've purchased a lot of new light fixtures, paint, immigrant laborers, and furniture. For some reason, two of the new light fixtures we bought came with these:

That's right: Freakin' Michael Jackson's freakin' magic gloves. Although they are a little small for my huge, hairy, calloused man hands, that doesn't diminish their magical powers. With these babies on I can paint twice as fast, rewire a light without electrocuting myself, and heal sick animals with a single touch. Okay, not really. I just can't make myself throw them away. I mean jeez, when will I ever get undersized gloves included with a new light again? It's like finding my lost wedding ring in a box of cereal - it just doesn't happen often, or at all.

By the way, I hope the Cuban housekeeper who found my ring and then lied about finding it is enjoying it.

Aiming high

2009-02-27T19:57:00.002-07:00

I saw this on my way home from work a couple days ago. Apparently you don't have to aim very high to reach your dreams.

I wish someone would have told me that before I started college six years ago.

Don't don't don't

2009-02-16T20:08:00.004-07:00

I don't care how well-behaved your newborn/toddler/man-child is, don't bring him/her with you to the movies. Ever. You are automatically a class-A idiot for even considering it. It completely ruined Space Buddies for me.

Oh please

2009-02-02T22:54:00.004-07:00

So I guess this is coming out:

Is this really necessary? Haven't we seen enough movies with talking animals? Besides, I highly doubt that animals sound like kids. Probably more like old people, saying "get that frackin' camera out of my face, can't you see I'm trying to sleep on this printer?".

Change of venue

2009-01-18T10:42:00.006-07:00

With our recent move from Salt Lake to Centerville has come a change in environment. Here are a few examples:

From efficient and compact imports to lifted, domestic, redneckmobiles.

From "Save Our Canyons" stickers to Truck Nutz.

From Main Street, to, uh, Main Street.

And finally, from a Blue county to a Red one.

30 years of payments

2008-12-28T22:57:00.005-07:00

This has been a dismal month for posting. Not that I'm apologizing or anything. Finals are over. We bought a condo. Not just any condo: This one has a dishwasher, and not the kind that wears an apron and only works when music is playing. But then I upped the ante and replaced the gross, old dishwasher that came with the place and installed a nearly new, state-of-the-art one that didn't smell like cheese or feet. But not before I flooded the kitchen. Seriously, I did. But that's all in the past now. I'm a new man. A wiser man. A man who double-checks that the hot water valve is completely closed before disconnecting it from an old dishwasher.

This place is a huge upgrade over our 700-square-foot, 1940s-era apartment that we just left. This one is from the 1970s. Not only did it come with a dishwasher, but a disposal, fans in the bathrooms, grounded electrical outlets, central air, creaky stairs, and an HOA fee. Oh, and an oven that has a light in it. We never had that before.

Finally, they're dead

2008-12-04T22:50:00.006-07:00

It has finally happened. Bratz dolls have been banned. The manufacturer, MGA, can't make them any more. Unfortunately, it wasn't because they're stupid, pointless, little [expletive deleted to retain mom-friendliness], but because the asshat who "invented" them (probably to live out some sick fantasy) actually came up with the idea while working for Mattel.

I'm about to make one of my generalized statements, but in this case, it's completely true: If you ever buy a Bratz doll for your kid then you are an idiot and you probably drive a Land Rover. Zing!

My new store

2008-11-29T00:10:00.008-07:00

Today I decided that if I ever open a store, it will be catered to fashionistas, cougars, and people who think Madonna is an inspiration. I'm going to call the store "Ugly On The Inside".

It's going to be huge. There will be:

T-shirts

Wristbands

Hats

The whole irony of it will be that the idiots who will actually shop there won't get the joke. And I will be rich.

Redesign

2008-11-15T01:47:00.005-07:00

I got tired of the plain old black background and title, so I changed them. What could be better than a new wood-floor background and a disgusting phrase for the new blog title? And it's gluten free! My sister-in-law should appreciate that.

Gluten is actually not the devil, Jessica. It's an important source of nutritional protein, and is also useful as an additive for foods low in protein. Now what do you think?

That's what I thought.

Halloween hair horror

2008-11-04T09:53:00.005-07:00

So this year we decided to be trailer trash for Halloween...how original.

I was a hillbilly trucker.

Di had a baby and one on the way. Check out that boob tattoo.

So I grew out my beard, then shaved my chin and the sides of my face past my mustache to make chops. I was going to shave it all off the next day. I started, but only got through 90% of the chops when disaster struck...my electric razor broke. So now we had no functioning electric razors in the house. I scraped the remaining 10% of the chops off with a straight razor, but I was stuck with the mustache until I could buy a new razor...which didn't happen for a week.

What I looked like all week, minus the chops...and the mullet...and the cigarette.

Mmm, makes me want to go shoot something and eat it.

Cereal eating

2008-10-26T13:01:00.007-06:00

I was eating a bowl of cereal today and remembered how cereal eating was completely different when I was a kid. Before the days of Malt-O-Meal in the big bags. Back when you could actually get a cool prize right in the box without having to collect 13 UPC codes and pay $49.99 in shipping and handling to send off for your prize. Back when eating cereal was an entire ritual. Here is that ritual (not recommended if you're over 10 years old):

(1) Fill your bowl to the top with cereal. If it's of the pre-sugared variety (Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Golden Grahams), skip to step 3. If it's a non-pre-sugared cereal (Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, Cheerios), continue to step 2.

(2) Pour at least 1/4-cup of sugar on the top of your cereal. It's a miracle I didn't develop type-2 diabetes from doing this.

(3) Assemble the Eating Fortress Of Solitude. Take three cereal boxes and assemble them around your head. This allows you to immerse yourself in cereal, and really get yourself in the zone. The cereal zone.

(4) Hork down your cereal like it's going to get soggy in less than 45 seconds.

(5) Repeat steps 1-4 at least four times or until severe cramping prevents you from being able to move.

(6) Go watch cartoons.

Note to parents: I assume no liability if your children experience any ill effects from following this ritual. Kids today just don't have the cereal stamina that kids had 20 years ago.

Bad pet owners

2008-10-25T01:43:00.009-06:00

By that title I don't mean bad people who own pets. I mean people who own bad pets. And by people owning bad pets, I mean Reece and Jessica. I've already posted about their first cat. Now they have a second cat, named Adele / Pork 'N' Beans (still undecided on the name, I don't want to talk about it). She's an abandoned kitten we found during our last trip down to St. George. Here she is pretending to like me (but really just trying to find my jugular):

She seems like a kind, caring, loving cat, but if you're real quick then you can catch things like this:

Which is what happens right before this:

Which then leads to this:

All right, they're all real except for the last one (the fake dead guy). But under Jack's careful training, Adele / Pork 'N' Beans will soon be turned into the killer psycho hose beast that will be the end of me.

Jack the cat

2008-10-05T13:10:00.005-06:00

I'm terrified of my brother's cat Jack. And I hate scary movies. So I guess that means my version of hell would be having to watch a scary movie starring Jack. While listening to a top-40 song. While being held down and tickled. So I decided to make the movie poster of my hell:

The new vacuum

2008-09-30T18:18:00.009-06:00

I am now officially a true elitist. I thought I was before, but then I saw this sweet rig on Amazon.com for less than half price, and said, "She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine." You might be saying to yourself, "It's just a vacuum." Does your face hurt? Because I just punched you through cyberspace for saying that. This is an engineer's wet dream of a vacuum, the Dyson DC15 Full Kit. 220 air-watts of face-sucking power, a 12-amp carpet-shredding motor, and a 0.71-gallon canister of pure testosterone.

For the first time in my life, I'm actually excited to vacuum. And with a body like that, this vacuum's just dying to be used.

This thing could charm the fur off a dust bunny. Oh, what's this? Why is this old Hoover Legacy II so sad? Because it sucks. Or doesn't suck anymore.

Stay tuned for the celebrity vacuum death match.

Low post frequency

2008-09-27T19:00:00.003-06:00

No, the title is not referring to highway mile markers. I'd like to apologize to all 2 of my readers for not posting more often. Actually, I won't apologize. I'm going to school and working full time, so I won't be posting as frequently. Get over it.

The state fair

2008-09-11T21:31:00.009-06:00

To set the mood, please turn your speakers on and press the play button on the video below.

Ah, the state fair. The one time a year when you wonder where all the creeps and weirdos you're noticing around you came from.

I decided to have a little fun this year and created a scavenger hunt. Unfortunately, we left the list in the car, so we weren't able to do it. But within minutes I had mentally checked off all the items. I think I was able to check off 10 items from just one person. Now that's multitasking.

The scavenger hunt isn't limited to just state fairs. It's just as useful and fun at rodeos, Nascar races, professional wrestling matches, monster truck rallies, Insane Clown Posse concerts, and anywhere in Wyoming.

Click here for your very own personalized copy of the scavenger hunt.

Rogue commenter

2008-09-03T00:24:00.005-06:00

Just a heads up, I'd like you all to ignore the rogue commenter by the name of Robocop. Robocop's spiteful and hurtful comments only work to bring down the uplifting, truthful words that this blog tries to spread to the masses. Through high-tech surveillance, an image of Robocop was obtained:

I know, I'm as surprised as you are. My own wife. But it makes sense. Only someone with such an intimate knowledge of the nerd within me could write such piercing words. And she's probably going to kill me for putting her picture up. Ah, sweet revenge.

School habits

2008-08-28T23:41:00.005-06:00

Now that I've been sentenced to that horrible prison/zoo called college for four more months, it's time for the old habits to start back up. These include:

In-class dozing (also known as trying to keep my head propped up on my fist as I drool on my notes)

Procrastination (why do it now when you can do it later?)

Getting Disney songs stuck in my head. I'm not kidding. It always happens when I'm taking a test, and it's always something from The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, or Aladdin. And I really hate, no, detest Disney songs, which makes it that much worse. I imagine this is what happens to the parent who stays home with the kids and ends up watching the same movie 7 times in one day.

Favorite software

2008-08-24T19:35:00.010-06:00

I've decided to stand on my soap box and declare to all of you the applications I think you should be using. The ones that come with Windows are crap. The apps I'm going to suggest are all free, easy to use, and better than the ones that come with Windows. And they're free. Pretty cheap. Click on the app name to download it.

For a huge list of the best software and hardware out there, go here.

7-Zip - Free compression utility, so you can extract any compressed archive.
Any Video Converter - Great for converting that video you downloaded off the internet that's in an AVI format to one that works on your iPod.
Audacity - An audio editor. I use this to make my own ringtones (and I'll make you a ringtone if you buy me a Slurpee).
AVG Anti-Virus - When your free year-long Norton or McAfee trials finally end, this is what you should use. The new version 8 has vastly improved over version 7. Use it or I'll send you a virus.
CCleaner - Cleans up garbage and temporary files that slow down your computer.
DoPDF - Pretends it's a printer, and when you "print" to it, it actually creates a PDF of the document.
DVD Shrink - For ripping DVDs to a file that can be converted for use on your iPod using Handbrake or Videora iPod Converter.
Firefox - The only browser that you should use. Better than Internet Explorer, Opera, and Safari. Internet Explorer is garbage. Stop using it. And don't try to deny that you use it. My site traffic software shows that many of you visit my site with it.
FoxIt Reader - A less-bloated, open-source PDF reader to replace Adobe Reader.
Hugin - For stitching together panoramic photos.
GIMP - Sort of a free, open-source Photoshop.
HandBrake - Converts DVD files spit out by DVD Shrink to files you can put on your iPod.
ImgBurn - Burns files and folders to DVD/CD.
MediaCoder - Convert any audio/video format to any other.
OpenOffice - A free office suite that is compatible with Microsoft Office.
Picasa - The absolute best photo organizer for your family photo collection, also has some good editing tools.
SketchUp - 3D design and drafting.
Taskbar Shuffle - Lets you shuffle around the open programs showing on your taskbar.
uTorrent - A lightweight BitTorrent client.
Virtual CloneDrive - Mount disc images as though they were real discs.
VLC Media Player - This will open absolutely any audio/video format.
Yawcam - Versatile webcam software that lets you do time lapse, motion sensing, and a lot more, because that's what people buy them for, right?

Back to school

2008-08-23T12:30:00.000-06:00

School starts tomorrow. How depressing. But these videos are still funny. Alice Cooper is the man.

Health diagnosis

2008-08-13T19:00:00.006-06:00

I'm afraid I have some bad news. I have been diagnosed with a syndrome called Paruresis. According to the International Paruresis Association, it's a condition that affects 7% of Americans, or 17 million people. Its severity can range from mild to severely debilitating, and apparently I am in the moderate stages of it.

It is quite likely that this disorder will affect me for the rest of my life, although there is a chance that its severity will decrease and disappear with time. I know you're asking yourself, "What can I do to help?" Here are a few suggestions:

(1) Don't talk loudly as you walk into public restrooms.
(2) Don't make sudden movements behind people who are using the urinals.
(3) Don't sit around and talk with others after washing your hands. Just finish your business and get out.
(4) Avoid grunting and heavy breathing while in the stalls.
(5) Make a donation to the International Paruresis Association.

In following these suggestions you will help others with this debilitating disorder.

Prick cars

2008-08-07T18:58:00.009-06:00

Pricks and idiots drive cars, just like the rest of us. Some pricks and idiots drive normal, everyday cars. Some pricks and idiots drive prick cars. Some cars automatically make people pricks and idiots, and here's the list:

Land Rover / Range Rover
Anybody who's read a quality survey of new cars knows that Land Rovers and Range Rovers are consistently at the bottom of the list in quality. Like every year. Seriously. "Hey, I just took my Discovery into the dealer for the third time this week. I rule." No, you don't.

Cadillac Escalade
Not cool. Any GM product with that much fake wood and chrome is like a fly strip for poseurs.

Nissan Altima
You may think I've made a mistake, but just pay a little extra attention to these guys next time you see one. Something about this car makes people turn evil.

Mercedes-Benz S-Class
The only people that can drive this car and not look like pricks must be at least 67 years old.

Hummer H2
Seriously, the people who buy these things must know that people will key them for it.

Jeep Wrangler (with large rims)
I like Wranglers a lot, but they should make you sign something before you're allowed to buy it promising that you won't put on rims larger than 16 or 17 inches. The closest thing to off-roading that these Jeeps experience is driving through the slush that the snowplow left at the end of the driveway.

Chevrolet Corvette
$47,000 will buy you a much faster, better-quality, better-looking, and slower-depreciating car than this. The interiors of these things have more low-quality plastic than a Chinese army figurine factory. Plus the guys that usually drive these look like Rush Limbaugh.

I'm probably going to add to this list as the Car Gods so inspire me, so check back regularly.

Cat antics (cantics?)

2008-08-01T23:37:00.006-06:00

Those who know me know that I'm a former cat hater. Besides the exhorbitant amount of shedding, answering of nature's call in odd places, gaping scratch wounds, and a big plastic box full of sand and poop in the middle of my house, cats are actually very entertaining. Here are a few documented cantics.

One of Stella's many hobbies is to sleep on my homework, especially if I'm in the middle of doing it.

Here they've removed all the plastic bags that I had neatly placed inside another bag, and made a nest out of them.

Yes, that is a spindle of DVDs that she is using as a pillow.

This picture is from the second day we had them. I was searching frantically for them so that I could get them to a vet appointment, and finally I noticed two sagging lumps in the bottom of our box spring. I stuck my head up through the hole they had made and this is what I found.

Our old Dell laptop had some overheating issues, which both cats took advantage of often.

We walked into the living room and found Harper sitting like this. Then in her best Joe Pesci voice she said, "What, do I @#$%ing amuse you?"

Somehow she got up there without knocking out any books. Yet she couldn't figure out how to get down.

We've caught them several times in compromising positions. "Uh, I was just, uh, looking for my wallet."

Typical fighting positions for both of them. Harper always ends up on the bottom. Kind of hard to end up on top when Stella is such a fat lard.

They are very particular about the Christmas tree, and they're always in it "redecorating". Very interesting to come home to.

We're still trying to figure out this one. They dragged the Christmas tree skirt from the tree in living room into the kitchen, then stomped it into their water bowl. That same tree skirt also made their undersides and paws turn pink.

U-Scan't

2008-07-31T22:33:00.001-06:00

It was not an engineer who designed the horrid U-Scan machines that you see everywhere. It was a mentally challenged sloth who must have been dropped by its sloth mother a lot when it was young.

I really don't mind these machines if they're actually quick and the retarded sloth's cousin Billy Bob isn't manning the attendant's station. At the Smith's on 9th and 9th there's an attendant who talks (correction: bellows) at customers like they're 5-year-olds.

"Sir...sir...sir! What are you trying to do? No no NO! You can't put your credit card until you've scanned everything."
"Ma'am...ma'am...ma'am...hey! There is no bar code on the produce."

Then there's the machine that must be running Microsoft software, because it's running slower than a 90-year-old lady in an '88 Buick Century.

"Please scan your Fresh Values card."
Swipe card, wait five minutes.
"Welcome valued customer. Please scan your items, slide them across the yellow pad, then place them in the bag."
Scan items, wait five minutes between each item. Then wait for machine to say...
"Please remove the last item."
Remove the last item, wait five minutes for the sloth's cousin Billy Bob to wake up and clear it on his computer.

Di admitted to me that she'd never been embarrassed by my behavior until an incident at Harmon's when I started cussing at the U-Scan machine. I admit, I was out of control. But the @#%&ing machine had its head so far up its !$@%ing ass that it really needed to be degraded. And there is no shame in degrading a machine.

Disturbing dancing

2008-07-23T23:33:00.009-06:00

My brother Reece drops it like it's hot at the John Mayer concert.

Kidz Bop

2008-07-22T22:31:00.003-06:00

I don't think I'm alone when I say that "Kidz Bop" is the most horrible invention since Barney the dinosaur. For those of you who haven't had the misfortune of hearing it, it's all that top 40 crap (which I hate anyway) sung by little overachievers. Think "Bleeding Love" sung by Dakota Fanning. And I know I'm not the only one. On Amazon you can add tags to items to sort of lump things in rough categories. This is an actual screenshot of the Kidz Bop 13 page on Amazon:

I wouldn't even buy this garbage for my illegitimate child.

Freaky baby products

2008-07-19T10:40:00.003-06:00

Found this article on consumerist.com about creepy baby products, I just want to highlight my favorites. And yes, I would buy any of these products for my baby.

Zaky infant pillow
Looks like a Muppet was de-limbed to make it.

Swimming neck ring
Previously called "My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer"

Thudgard helmet
Ears make it more appealing to kids (?).

Manual snot sucker
Just make sure you stop when it gets clogged or you'll be sharing more than DNA.

Baby high heels
Redefines the term "cankles"

The Spiral Jetty

2008-07-14T23:05:00.019-06:00

This post isn't really about the jetty, except for some pictures. If you want learn more about it, click here. If you don't want to read this post, click here. Anyways, so we decide to go on an adventure last Saturday at noon, and we decide the Spiral Jetty in Box Elder county will be our first victim.

So as you can see, to get to this place you have to drive all the way around the peninsula. I pondered if there were a way to drive on the railroad causeway that goes from basically Ogden to the big peninsula, then up that to the jetty. However, I decided against it because (A) I'd probably get hit by a train, (B) the water would be too high to drive on the side of the tracks, (C) I'd get caught (knowing my luck), and (D) Di told me not to. So I didn't. Even though it would be way quicker, as you can see by the detailed map below.

So by the time we get to Brigham City, we're freaking starving. Starving enough that we'll stop at the first place that isn't a 7-Eleven. So we drive, and drive, and drive, and finally we find.....Pizza Hut. Not just any Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut of Brigham City. So popular and famous that I couldn't even find a picture of it. And we are the only ones there besides the employees for at least half an hour. Then these people show up and take 20 minutes just to order, because they keep inquiring about how many glasses a pitcher can hold. Then the waitress chick forgets that we were even there, so I go up front to pay. I hope she doesn't spend her 26¢ tip in one place.

Turns out this place is a few miles south of the Golden Spike Visitor's Center, itself a suburb of Corinne, which is a suburb of Brigham City. A rocky road and a few paint chips later, we arrive. I read somewhere that there was an old trailer home, amphibious landing craft, and Dodge truck left there, but evidently in 2005 the state cleaned them up, but a guy had some pictures of them on his Flickr page.

Baby making

2008-06-28T13:10:00.007-06:00

So I found this website, makemebabies.com, where you can upload photos of two people and supposedly it will show you what the baby would look like. So I used photos of Di and me, and this is what came out:

What the deuce? Either he got left in the oven a little too long, or I'm not the father. What's with the single drumstick? Is he preparing to be a one-armed drummer when he grows up? To be fair, it does say not to use photos where you're wearing sunglasses.

Moral of the story: Don't wear sunglasses when you're trying to conceive.

And what is up with the cupcake and spoon with eyes and mouths?

The Subway funk

2008-06-16T01:31:00.022-06:00

Credit for coining the term "Subway Funk" goes to Brenn Bowhuis.

You're either saying to yourself "Oh yes, I know exactly what that is", or "By the hammer of Thor, what is that supposed to mean?" I won't mince words: It's the butt-like odor that clings to your entire surface area when you visit your local Subway establishment.

In my opinion, Subway restaurants should be rated based on the Funk Factor, and as in golf, the lower the score the better, and as also applies to golf, at least when I play, most locations would have a high score.

I've narrowed the Funk down to different types, based on my vast expertise of Funk.

(1) Outside: So severe that you can smell it from 50 feet away.
(2) Inside: Odor is constrained to the inside of the building.
(3) Sneak-attack: The most elusive kind. The odor is undetectable until you have eaten, gotten in your car, and driven away, then it reveals itself. Typical behavior by the victim(s) is a mandatory "everybody check their shoes" exercise.

Here are a few examples, along with my ratings, for a very small portion of the Subways I've experienced.

University of Utah, Salt Lake City
A good example of a Subway that isn't too bad. Clean store, low Funk Factor. A good bet if you have to go somewhere else after you eat.

Foothill Drive, Salt Lake City
Eater beware. I didn't even go in because the outside Funk was too much to bear. The employees possibly could have contributed.

500 W 500 S, Bountiful
The Factor may have increased since I was last there, but from what I remember, it wasn't bad. As a disclaimer, this place is fairly new, so it might be a good idea to call ahead and ask one of the Sandwich Artists how bad it is now.

Right off I-15, Nephi
A prime example of the sneak-attack breed of Funk. Very misleading because the store is pretty nice. Unfortunately, this establishment is frequented by people traveling long distances, so the ultimate in pain and suffering should be expected.

Doomed celebrity airplane

2008-06-14T01:44:00.004-06:00

So I have this fantasy of sorts, where all the stupid celebrities that I'm sick of hearing about being caught not wearing underwear, all get on a plane headed for Antarctica. And...oh no...the plane's engines fall off right before landing and the plane...glides to safety. I don't want the plane to crash, because I couldn't live with myself if I was partly responsible for a poor, innocent plane meeting its end. So anyways, the plane lands safely in Antarctica and all the retar...uh...celebrities have to live there without other idiots following them around taking pictures of them. And so, the inevitable question: Who is on your fantasy doomed celebrity plane?

Top 10 things I hate

2008-06-14T01:31:00.004-06:00

They're all tied for first place, so in random order, I present:

(1) Clipping my toenails
(2) Clipping my fingernails
(3) Poop
(4) Reality TV
(5) Celebrities
(6) Rancorous Brits on reality TV shows
(7) Top 40 hits at any given time
(8) The word "hearty"
(9) The word "crispy"
(10) Idiots who don't know what the hell they are talking about but seem to have a well-formulated "basis" for their "opinion"