Jun 28, 2008

Baby making

So I found this website, makemebabies.com, where you can upload photos of two people and supposedly it will show you what the baby would look like. So I used photos of Di and me, and this is what came out:

What the deuce? Either he got left in the oven a little too long, or I'm not the father. What's with the single drumstick? Is he preparing to be a one-armed drummer when he grows up? To be fair, it does say not to use photos where you're wearing sunglasses.

Moral of the story: Don't wear sunglasses when you're trying to conceive.

And what is up with the cupcake and spoon with eyes and mouths?

Jun 16, 2008

The Subway funk

Credit for coining the term "Subway Funk" goes to Brenn Bowhuis.

You're either saying to yourself "Oh yes, I know exactly what that is", or "By the hammer of Thor, what is that supposed to mean?" I won't mince words: It's the butt-like odor that clings to your entire surface area when you visit your local Subway establishment.

In my opinion, Subway restaurants should be rated based on the Funk Factor, and as in golf, the lower the score the better, and as also applies to golf, at least when I play, most locations would have a high score.

I've narrowed the Funk down to different types, based on my vast expertise of Funk.

(1) Outside: So severe that you can smell it from 50 feet away.
(2) Inside: Odor is constrained to the inside of the building.
(3) Sneak-attack: The most elusive kind. The odor is undetectable until you have eaten, gotten in your car, and driven away, then it reveals itself. Typical behavior by the victim(s) is a mandatory "everybody check their shoes" exercise.

Here are a few examples, along with my ratings, for a very small portion of the Subways I've experienced.

University of Utah
, Salt Lake City
A good example of a Subway that isn't too bad. Clean store, low Funk Factor. A good bet if you have to go somewhere else after you eat.

Foothill Drive,
Salt Lake City
Eater beware. I didn't even go in because the outside Funk was too much to bear. The employees possibly could have contributed.

500 W 500 S, Bountiful
The Factor may have increased since I was last there, but from what I remember, it wasn't bad. As a disclaimer, this place is fairly new, so it might be a good idea to call ahead and ask one of the Sandwich Artists how bad it is now.

Right off I-15, Nephi

A prime example of the sneak-attack breed of Funk. Very misleading because the store is pretty nice. Unfortunately, this establishment is frequented by people traveling long distances, so the ultimate in pain and suffering should be expected.

Jun 14, 2008

Doomed celebrity airplane

So I have this fantasy of sorts, where all the stupid celebrities that I'm sick of hearing about being caught not wearing underwear, all get on a plane headed for Antarctica. And...oh no...the plane's engines fall off right before landing and the plane...glides to safety. I don't want the plane to crash, because I couldn't live with myself if I was partly responsible for a poor, innocent plane meeting its end. So anyways, the plane lands safely in Antarctica and all the retar...uh...celebrities have to live there without other idiots following them around taking pictures of them. And so, the inevitable question: Who is on your fantasy doomed celebrity plane?

Top 10 things I hate

They're all tied for first place, so in random order, I present:

(1) Clipping my toenails
(2) Clipping my fingernails
(3) Poop
(4) Reality TV
(5) Celebrities
(6) Rancorous Brits on reality TV shows
(7) Top 40 hits at any given time
(8) The word "hearty"
(9) The word "crispy"
(10) Idiots who don't know what the hell they are talking about but seem to have a well-formulated "basis" for their "opinion"